Why I Kept Changing the Name & Came Full Circle with the League of Pandas Oracle (and What It Taught Me)🌠🌠🌠
“League of Pandas: Way of the Panda Oracle” is the last time I will be changing the name. (A bit of a long read - this blog post! It’s the story of this deck’s, and mine, becoming 💖)
I’ve truly come full circle - this was the OG, the first “official/unofficial” deck title that I concepted. With it, a group of legendary pandas, larger than life, each imbued with magical powers and unique talents - assemble as the ultimate dream team for you to summon, to command, to befriend, to invite, to lead, to bond with, and to love. (The deck title reflects the story, the worldbuilding and the overall concepts that the cards contain - it’s how they all come together, so it’s not just a different name for the exact same deck!)
I loved the idea. It was fun, playful, silly - a little nerdy, perfectly geeky and imaginative. It was action-packed, designed to inspire and empower, and the perfect gateway for bring forth all that I wish to express about gathering power, healing deeply, , manifesting and creating your true self and dream life, about growth, about personal development, about creative and authentic living - basically, a lot of the things I value in my own life, a lot of the lessons I’ve learned, and the magical molecules that I wish to inject into the universe. Most importantly, it is FUN! PLAYFUL! The righteous conduit for inner child magic, adult power, and whimsical witchhood!
TL;DR - League of Pandas is about creative, authentic and powerful living…BUT…the panda way!!🐼
Once Upon a League of Panda
Everything started out normally and casually. I already had a friendly and collaborative relationship with Celia - we worked on Way of the Panda Tarot together and when I asked her if she wanted to embark on another oracle deck with me - she said yes!
After I gathered my ideas and the initial concepts, we started on our old routines: signing commission contracts, defining the project, figuring out our work schedule, payment etc etc…and then we were on our panda-merry way to make a sequel/sister deck for Way of the Panda Tarot. Every 2 weeks, I would sketch her a concept art of the card we were working on, and I would find reference art or photos to show her what I wanted. She would then turn my ideas into a gorgeous piece of hand-painted illustration, featuring a fantastical panda character that I designed + she helped bring to life! 🐼✨
The card designing process went by quite peacefully. It was as expected, and a casual experience between me and my artist. It took us about a year and a half to finish all of the cards, sauntering through the creation process, occasionally taking breaks or taking more time because…life!
And as the cards were nearing completion and the pandas started coming to life, I started to get inklings for the guidebook. This time around, I decided to give myself plenty of time to complete the guidebook (at the time, I planned to create a small guidebooklet that goes inside the deck, and a bigger full length guidebook with stories, spreads etc.) When I wrote Book of Pandas (the big guidebook for Way of the Panda Tarot), I was racing towards the finish line AFTER the campaign was done. Epically, I got it done, and it’s a guidebook that I’m proud of. BUT. I was so stressed out and burned out afterwards that I vowed to NEVER do it again, lol. I think I lowkey traumatized myself with all that stress & overwhelm 😂
Why I…”Stopped” (or Why the Guidebook was Taking Forever)
Most of the cards designed were completed around 2021. On the same year, I entered a relationship that lasted for the next two years which turned out to be…the biggest spiritual boss fight of my fucking life. It was toxic, abusive, and hurt me in some of the worst ways possible. It took all of me just to survive, and when I finally ended the relationship in 2023, it took me a whole year afterwards (the entirety of 2024) to repair the damage it had done.
And as such, even though I kept thinking about this deck, and kept wanting to show up for this deck…I couldn’t. As much as I’d tried, I wasn’t able to create much 😢. I couldn’t write a damn word for the guidebook. I couldn’t bring myself to love the process. I found myself shutting down, disconnecting from my creative heart, and steeping in unconscious self-hatred. This harrowing experience led me to confront some of the worst coping mechanisms that left me unprotected against people who are truly toxic. It was an entire shadow work arc and healing saga that my soul took on.
In short, it was fucking horrible!! And I will spare you the details. BUT. HAVING THAT SAID, khem khem. As painful as it was, I also came to discover that me, ME (yes, good old me) have an unbreakable spirit, a heart that is both strong and soft enough to be capable of holding unbearable anguish and transcending unimaginable suffering, and all the wisdom and resilience in the world to love myself back to life again. This experience made me realize how important it was to live my goddamn life as I please, tolerate no bullshit, protect my heart like the world would end without it (it would), and dare to be the most powerful, authentic, bold and blissed out version of myself. No one shall dare to disturb my peace again.
The Guidebook Journey: Through Darkness…Let There be Fire & Light.
Throughout this time, I never gave up on writing the guidebook and completing the deck. You may wonder why I’m so stubborn when it comes to my guidebooks - like why couldn’t I just release the cards? To answer simply: because I couldn’t. Sure, the cards are done - but the deck isn’t. The “world” isn’t. The Pandaverse isn’t complete without the guidebook! Not to mention that I had(have!) stories to tell! Pandas to introduce to the world! Inspiration to strike, love and devotion to give and imbue, and maximum-adorable panda spells to cast.
What would people do with a deck of random panda characters without knowing their stories, who they are, what they represent or where they come from!? It’s not a tarot deck, so people can’t draw from the universal archetypes and symbolism. League of Pandas Oracle is my unique and original panda-verse full of unique panda characters. To simply put, this deck is not complete without the guidebook, and IT MUST BE WRITTEN!! AND IT MUST BE EPICALLY PANDA!!!! GRRRRR!!! 😤😤😤🐼🐼🐼
Anyways. It’s easier to talk about it now because I’m (sort of) on the other side. For the whole year of 2024, I desperately tried to get back to the guidebook. Throughout the toxic relationship, even though I felt so disconnected to create and so disempowered - having Fables Den, my magical biz and Way of the Panda Oracle - what I was trying to bring forth - gave me a ray of light in my life that sustained me. I wasn’t just somebody’s victim or object of exploitation. I was bringing something forth from the depths of myself. It was something that I alone belonged to and with 💖✨ and I wanted to give it all the attention, love and energy the oracle deserves. I wanted to write something epic. Something amazing. Something…perfect.
I actually wanted to publish it last year, in August 2024 - I even put up the Kickstarter pre-launch page - in hopes of kicking my own butt into gear (you know, some positive pressure 😂) and that in allowing myself to devote to the pandas I was manifesting, it would…heal me, save me, and that it would give back the parts of me that went missing.
As mentioned earlier, 2024 was my major shadow work arc and healing saga. I battled a lot of darkness to even be able to have an ounce of normal. I couldn’t create much, and not being able to complete even a single chapter despite the times I had tried really took a toll in my confidence. Not to mention I feared losing credibility with my audience. I wasn’t (in my mind) exactly consistent with the launch dates or the plans I put forth. What if they thought I was flaky, inconsistent, a wishy-washy deck creator? Asking for grace made me feel pathetic, and the residual trauma made me self-conscious, shameful, triggered and over-explainy. But I got through it all. I got through all of my triggers and pushed myself to show up and create whenever I could because I knew…I KNEW this was a battle for my SOUL. I am FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE. I am FIGHTING, to reclaim my creative confidence, to let my inner fire BURN BRIGHTLY again, to reclaim the parts of me that were in fucking shambles, to rebuild myself with softness and courageousness, to triumph against what once destroyed and shackled me 🔥🔥🔥
So…The Excessive Name-Changing
Throughout this time of reclamation, I changed the name of the deck again…and again…and again. League of Pandas. No, it’s now Panda Hero Academy. AH, no no, it’s Dream Academy. Actually, never mind, it’s Dreaming Pandas Oracle. Wait no, it’s Panda Academy. I could give you all kinds of excuses or…”legitimate reasons” for embarking on this journey. I procrastinated with perfectionism. I chased mental rabbits down rabbit holes that led me to incessant creative explorations and “panda domain expansions”. I wanted a group of superhero pandas. Actually, no - it’s an academy! An academy about…DREAMS AND TRUE SELF! An immersive academy experience where you get to interact with the panda characters! And the guidebook will be an immersive and interactive experience that lead you to discover and nurture your dreams! AH WAIT! This idea is too complicated to execute in deck and book form - best save that for a board game, or cozy RPG light novel game in the future? I’ve always wanted to do that, right? To make a game? Ah Back to Dreaming Pandas Oracle. Just a deck of pandas that will help you…dream. Ah, perhaps I will incorporate ideas from taoism because that’s what “the way of the panda” is! Ah wait, never mind, where’s the magic, whimsy and wonder if I did that!?
As you can see, I went back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Announcing it over and over and over and OVER again, losing confidence in myself every time I did so, yet pushing myself to continue and never abandoning this project because…that’s what love is, isn’t it? I love, love, love Way of the Panda Oracle. I am wholehearted and absolutely devoted to bringing it to life and it has never once occurred to me to…NOT do it, or not NOT create it. It is that important to me. It has been the magical thread that weaved itself through a painful and alchemical era of my life and continued to draw out + bring forth the magic and medicine in me.
There & Back Again
And finally, League of Pandas, back to where we started. The more I strayed and wandered off from my original concept, the more I felt pulled to go back. To go back to where I started: to my original idea: a group of super magical pandas that you get to summon to appear in your spread, to help you, support you, lend you a paw, and empower you. Yes, the League of Pandas, the first and final iteration of this deck’s morphing journey.
The journey back to this deck is significant, because…once again, it proves my belief that whatever you create is creating you. What you’re seeking to create can only manifest when you become the version of yourself that is capable of creating it - the “you” that has its codes, its message, and its final form.
You see…League of Pandas, despite being about a group of absolutely adorable pandas, is really a deck about power. It’s about mobilizing that power for your own expression and becoming. It’s about empowering yourself to create, to manifest, and to go after the things you desire in life. It’s about authentic, creative and magical + spiritual power. Not power through status, or money, or fame. Not power through how you’re able to maneuver others to get them to do what you want - but power through you. Power through freedom, through safety, through daring to be the version of you that you dream of being, and to live a life that reflects it!
And I couldn’t fucking make this deck or write the fucking guidebook because…I had never been so disempowered and down-trodden with despair and pain in my entire life!!! And that’s why I kept wanting to change the title, I think, subconsciously, consciously. I could not channel the panda power that sought to come forth through this deck. I couldn’t imbue the deck with it. I didn’t have it in me. I didn’t have the power that I seek: power through prayer, power through playfulness. Power through fun, adventure, imagination, healing, rest, leisure, and cozy living - everything that the pandas represented…the “panda powers” that would define this deck…were the things I needed to reclaim from that abusive relationship I endured!
And the more I reclaimed, the more I healed, and the more resilient I grew, the stronger I get, the powerful I became. This deck is on its divine panda timeline and it is nearing its completion now for a reason. It was both the beginning and the destination of my journey to write and weave something of power. I needed to journey through a great loss to know what it was like to be without power. I needed to then embark on a journey of healing, catharsis, shadow work, therapy, and self-love to create the vibrations of this deck in order to make it a reality. (And obviously, for myself - the deck is just part of it!)
The power of love got me through it all! My devotion to this deck, my desire to create it, and my desire to heal no matter what, and all the shit I put myself through because my brain was a dark and chaotic place that I had to grow powerful enough to soothe and hold onto myself. Having this deck to create gave me hope and the motivation I needed to get my shit together, to keep going and to find the depths of my love that I knew I had in me to love myself, my life and the simple joy of CREATING again!
League of Pandas Oracle is all love, playfulness, fun, inner child whimsy, and adorable panda wisdom. It’s coming through me and arriving on this earth and it is fiercely, fiercely protected by the parts of myself that I had to cultivate in order to return to the space of love and power. Again, not power through coercion, superiority or force. Not power through the conventional benchmarks of success. Power through softness, through playfulness, through wiggling a Squishmallow shark plushie at somebody to make them laugh, through crying loud, ugly-faced tears and letting yourself heal. Power through the diligent and at times excruciating steps you take to give yourself the love that you need and know you deserve! You know, POWER! The power in rest, the power to forgive and the power to finally accept yourself for WHO YOU TRULY ARE in spite of your fear and despair!
So yeah…I toiled and dwelled over the names, and procrastinated with my perfectionism because I feared that I wasn’t good enough. Or that “League of Pandas” weren’t fucking good enough. It broke my heart to not be able to own it. It made me feel so much shame, but being ME, yes, GOOD OLD ME, who has an unbreakable spirit and fire in my heart - I held those intense moments of discomfort and REFUSED TO GIVE UP. I will not surrender. I will love myself dearly and deeply and I will love this deck into being because this is the will, the wish, the hope, the commitment, the absolute devotion that I have towards my healing, my becoming, and the creation of this deck. This is my life, my creation. And I will live and do as I please!!
The Full Panda Circle
It’s not lost on me that this is a full ass glorious panda circle 🐼✨ And I am incredibly blessed to be where I am today and to have a community that sees me and supports me. League of Pandas: Way of the Panda Oracle, like I said before, is my first and final iteration of this deck, and this is its name. This deck will contain the parts of me that I’ve met during my Cannon Spiritual Event, the gems of wisdom that I’ve found within me, the medicine, the resilience & love that carried me through it all. And of course - most importantly - the power that I found. The power I found that I will now share through the portals in this deck. The power of being free - the power of being genuinely and unapologetically yourself. The PANDA POWER of loving and accepting all that you are, your sensitivities, your imperfections, your gifts, your inklings. The PANDA POWER of being a glimmer of joy in a world that demands “seriousness” and perfection. The PANDA POWER of slowing down to enter your own time zone, your own magic timing because you are the epicentre of your epic life. I can go on and on and on, you get the panda gist!
And this is, like always, just the fucking beginning. ✨🐼
Thank you for reading this far and I love you all. May the paws of 1000 baby pandas bring you love and prosperity across all of your timelines. May you feel worthy and empowered to dare to dream big. May your wings be invincible and swift and carry you to where your dreams lead.
Over 9000 panda hugs,
Kim
