I’m scared of what I want sometimes.
Let’s unpack that a little. The wanting itself is pure. My desires are simple. I know what I want, and I know what I need to do to get there, but in the back of my head, there is a tiny voice…
What will people think of you?
Specifically–what will people think of you, if you fail?
Maybe I don’t want it that much after all. Maybe I am comfortable where I am. Yes, maybe I should appreciate more of what I have right now. Maybe this is what my life is supposed to be. Maybe I’m supposed to be more connected with the Now. Yes, that is being very spiritual indeed. I like it. Look deeper into the process. Strengthen those connections with the Self.
Nah, I don’t need to work towards that. Let me start this other thing that actually gets to my core–and is the ultimate creative expression of who I am.
Okay, great. But what if you fail? What if you’re not good enough? What if people criticize you? Shame you? Reject you?
Maybe I don’t want it this much after all.
I retreat back into my shell. I side step. I look the other way. I convince myself that hey, it’s not too bad. This is the life you are meant to live. You are perfectly fine in this life. Why build something more?
Why pursue what you want if it might bring you failure, rejection, and disappointment?
Stay here. Stay right here. Cuddle with me. It’s comfy here. You don’t have to fight for anything. You don’t have to work either. You don’t have to be scared.
Stay right here, right here, right here right here right here….
Then there is a moment when I snap out of this trance and practiced apathy. No, I don’t want to stay there. I want to live my life to the fullest. I am living a happy life, but life can be so much more.
Even then, it’s hard for me to care deeply. Is there something wrong with me? Am I not normal for feeling passion–for something that I truly desire?
Strangely, this reminds me of the times when I’m angry. I rarely explode out of anger, but it’s always after-the-fact. A few hours later after what should have provoked my immediately anger, my heart boils with indignance and regret. I should have said something. Why didn’t I say something!?
Because it’s easier to stay silent. Then I don’t risk confrontation. Then I don’t risk conflict. Then I don’t risk a heated exchange of words. Then if I say the wrong thing at the wrong time, I wouldn’t have to face rejection.
Pursuing your creative dreams can be scary. Since creativity is so essential towards one’s self-expression, it is of course deeply connected with one’s sense of self. To be rejected or perhaps worse, ignored…just thinking about it breaks my heart.
I have always been afraid of judgement and criticism. But underlying that fear, there is a deeper fear of rejection. I don’t want people to say no to me. I don’t want people to say no to my creative work. Even at the slightest sign of rejection, real or imaginary, I retreat back into my shell. I get pulled back by fear’s comforting hands into bed. There there, what did I tell you? Come back so I don’t have to get mad at you.
There is so much more that I want in life.
What did I say about wanting? Risking? Risking rejection? You don’t want that, do you?
No. But I want my life more. I want to live. I want to fully embody my life. I want every single choice that I do is out of my passion for life and creative expression. Yes, I like comfort, but I want to have an adventure. I want to venture out of my bubble and do grand things so I have a story to tell.
So I pray for courage. Even now, the word courage seems like a faint echo…I need to physically severe myself from my apathetic constraints. Desire..what do I want in life?
I know what I want in life, and I want to want them more.