Once again, the issue of “Surrender”: my journey towards reiki attunement

I am pretty sure the word “surrender” is one of the most commonly used words in New Age literature. The concept of surrendering implies the act of letting go, and what does it mean to let go? Letting go of your ego and reconnecting with your spirit, letting go of your obsession with time (what was and what will be) and remain in the Now.

Perhaps most of us aren’t really keen towards the idea of surrendering or letting go because to “let go” means to “give up”, and indeed, there tends to be a negative connotation attached to those phrases. Of course, arguably, this connotation will surface if you approach this idea from a place of lack.

Anyway. No matter how you define it, I think the word “surrender” in a spiritual sense really means “trust”. The act of surrendering is an act of trust. When I first decided to become attuned to reiki, I was very unsure. I was very tentative. I thought that maybe reiki wasn’t meant for me. Maybe energy wasn’t meant for me and that I would never be able to “acquire” the magical healing power that I had always dreamed of. I questioned my motives. Was I merely wanting to acquire an ability, so was I truly desiring to be of service?

I started evaluating all the reasons, trying to categorize them into good reasons and bad reasons. I tried to have a conversation with my ego, swimming in my own head like an aimless little fish.

Don’t get me wrong, I love taking a swim in my own head, but there’s a balance to everything. I was honestly in my head too much. Even after I finally decided to sign up for reiki level 1, even after I was attuned and felt the energetic difference–I was still unsure. On the day I became attuned, I along with three other classmates practiced reiki on each other. It was clearly, undoubtedly, real. I could feel the aura of another when I hovered my hands above their body. I could feel energy coming at me when I gathered my intention towards it. Yet I doubted. Maybe the Universe didn’t think I was worthy enough to bestow such a gift to me. Maybe I wasn’t one of “them”, one of those “chosen ones”. Maybe despite the fact that I was attuned, my energetic link to the Universe will always be weak. I performed and practiced reiki on my family members, and the whole time I kept thinking to myself: Is it working? Am I channeling enough energy? Should I focus more? Am I doing something wrong? Am I doing enough visualizations? Or should I switch to a chant instead? Which one is the right way!?

It’s surprising how much we get in our own way, eh?

I eventually realized that, fine, if I am not meant for reiki, then I am not meant for reiki. If I am only meant for a little bit of reiki, then I am meant for a little bit of reiki. And instead of stressing over everything in my little head, I returned to the reason why I wanted to reiki. I wanted to become attuned to be of service. Seeing my friends and family and loved ones going through chronic pain or emotional upheavals or mental blockages really pained me. I really wanted to help. So really it doesn’t really matter what I think. I believe in energy. I believe that energy will go where it needs to go if I am open to it. I am not a reiki practitioner trying to some magic. I am a channel. And I can only focus on being the best channel I can be…and we all know that a channel is at its best when it is open, and when it is empty.

And then, you guessed it, I surrendered. I let go. And I kid you not, some of the most powerful reiki and energy experiences I have had so far since my attunement happened after I shifted my attitude. I didn’t surrender to the idea that there was nothing I could do, so screw it. I simply trusted that my intention is to help and to heal, and now that I have been given this precious connection to the universal life force, I simply just have to open the doors and invite that loving energy in. I could feel that from within me, there was a great sense of trust. There was a great sense of empowerment. And there was a wonderful feeling of magic. That was when I knew I never ever had to doubt ever again.

So here you go–that is my journey of surrendering. I am sure it is still an ongoing journey because I just love to be in my head. But I have come to accept that part of me as who I am. Even though it takes me a while to reach a conclusion, I know it will probably be a better than the one I made without ever being in my head at all.

Just for today, I will let go of worry.

One of the reiki ideals. I should probably pin that on my wall so it will stare me in the face each day, haha.

xoxo
Kim

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